This blog is a time capsule for us to open when you're much older. It is a proactive response to the myth that people become more conservative as they get older. If I'm destined to be crotchety and paranoid by the time you reach puberty, then I want to preserve some evidence of the open minded person I was before you were born. The essays contained herein are an attempt to broach the more awkward lessons of youth, while I'm still young enough to remember them. Take sex, for instance. I'm almost 30 now, and for nearly two decades sex has been maybe the most awesome, and important, and disappointing, and beautiful thing in my life. I mean, it made you! How amazing is that? But ten or twelve years from now, when it starts being important to you, sex will no doubt become the scariest thing in my life. I don't think I can avoid that fear. But if I write about it now, at a time when I'm almost 30 years old and less scared than I have ever been or will ever be, then maybe I can avoid transmitting that fear to you.
Other topics I hope to cover:
High School.
Body image.
Falling asleep during the ACTs.
The time dad dropped out of college.
Porn (and other uses for the internet).
The time dad accidentally lost his virginity.
The time it was okay for dad to punch someone in the face.
The time(s) it was not okay for dad to punch someone in the face.
What to do when you realize all you friends are assholes.
What to do when you realize all you friends are gone.
How dad got that scar on (insert body part).
How to be the central character in your narrative, not just a love interest in someone else's narrative.
How to (never really) know when you've found the one.
I will do my best to cover as many of these topics as possible in the seven months leading to your birth. From what I've read on the internet, once you're born, all of my entries will focus on the color and consistency of your poo. To help me think of less disgusting topics during that time, I've enlisted a staff of awkward authors. These open-minded and generally awesome people will contribute their awkward parenting thoughts from time to time. Consider these people your godparents. Or aunts and uncles. They are the closest thing you'll ever have to either, as your mother and I are nonreligious only-children.
Someday, when you're old enough to understand the themes presented in this blog, I'll email you a link--if people still email 30 years from now--and we'll have a good long laugh over the phone--if people still use phones 30 years from now. Until then, do what your mother tells you, try hard in school, eat your vegetables, and GO TO SLEEP.
Love,
Daddy
Editor in Chief, The Awkward Parent Collective
