Why You'll (Probably) Never Ride the Bus to School

Your grandparents never sat me down for "the talk" when I was a kid. Which is fine with me. If I had questions, I would've been too embarrassed to ask, and if they had answers, I would've been too embarrassed to listen. The truth is, I never needed to have "the talk." 'Cause I rode the bus to school. I had all sorts of talks with the older siblings of my classmates.

My sex education at home was, "Whatever you do, be careful." At school it was "Whatever you do, you'll get AIDS." But school bus sex ed sounds more like, "You guys ever heard of a rusty trombone?"

Public school transportation is the original Urban Dictionary. Every useful thing I ever learned about sex, all my terminology and strategy, I learned on the bus. But sex is only the tip of the iceberg. I learned countless life lessons on my daily bus rides, including but not limited to:

How to make a cigarette lighter explode.

How much pressure it takes to choke someone out with a backpack strap.

How to use crosshatching to shade dick veins with a mechanical pencil.

How to conduct oneself in a freestyle rap battle.

These lessons have been invaluable to me as an adult, and are the reason I think you should also ride the bus.

But your mother disagrees.

And that's why you'll probably never ride the bus to school.